http://www.defleppard.com/ Rick Talks October 28, 2003 The following is the transcript of a chat Gordon Shearer had with Rick Allen on the tour bus between Cambridge and London on October 28, 2003. The "X" World Tour is almost over. Are you as exhausted as the rest of the band and the crew? It's funny, it's only really hit me since we got to the UK. Maybe it's been the change of weather or the damp, but I'm really starting to feel it in my bones. I guess when we were in America and Canada it seemed easier because we've been touring there during the summer and early autumn, but we come over here and I feel the change of season more than I would if I was fresh. So yeah, I'm ready to go home. That would be nice. Some people say that practice makes perfect but I just feel that the repetition works against me and I start thinking too far ahead during a show. Thinking about what songs are coming next instead of just relaxing, breathing and playing from my heart. Sometimes it can get to be almost like the enemy. Is that just because there's nothing fresh about the show any more? Well, tonight in Cambridge it was great because we changed the set around so you don't have time to think. You're doing songs that are not necessarily as familiar as when you're playing the same set night after night, so tonight was refreshing. Whether the audience liked it more or not, I don't know. From where I was, I had my head down a lot of the time and was just playing but I really enjoyed it. It was great to do something different, so mixing it all about keeps things fresh. It must be weird being back in the UK as you're British but haven't lived here for so long. Does it still feel like home or is it just the place you grew up in? It's great to see family and I get to see my mum and other people I haven't seen in a long time. Sometimes it starts to get a bit sad 'cause I notice them getting older and I'm really not around them as much as I'd like to be. If we had loads of money as a family, things would be different and they'd come to visit more and I'd get to spend more time here. But I'm laying down roots in America so when I'm there, just being at home, it's harder to break away from that. So you're right. America feels like home as much as it does here. Although it's a strange situation as I feel almost like I'm in no-man's land some of the time, because although I'm a resident, I still can't vote so I don't really have a say in what goes on where I live. But they still don't mind taxing me though. I just feel that I've chosen to live there so I make the best of what they allow me to do. Do you feel strong allegiances to the UK or are you more American now? I really don't feel any strong allegiance to any country. You know, the more I start to understand more about the politics of countries, the less I want anything to do with them anyway. When it comes to the people, that's different but as for politicians and politics..... So why did you choose the US? It was becoming really familiar to me. I had been going over there since 1980 and I know it sounds corny but I think that it was just that the weather really appealed to me. I'm sure that you, like any Brit, will understand what I mean! Has this tour been any different for you compared with previous? The only difference that I'm conscious of, is that people seem to be travelling a lot more to see the shows and there's a lot of familiar faces night after night. It's not like before, when you played a town and it was a home crowd. Now it's pretty much as if people are going from town to town. I mean, maybe it has always been like that and I just didn't see it or the locals drowned out the noise of the 'outsiders', or maybe it's even just because the crowds were so much bigger. I don't know, maybe I've just never paid attention properly but it seems like the dedicated fans are more prepared to travel, which is absolutely great. You generally seem way more relaxed on stage and are very happy and smiley. You also seem to make a lot more eye contact with the audience than I've noticed before. Is it a different mindset you have now? I think my perception of my own life is different and the fact that Lauren and myself are together.... I've never felt this free or happy and so that permeates onto my onstage persona and to my working environment. I'm sure it's the same with yourself that when your relationship is good, it changes the way you view the rest of the world. Is she the major reason for your happiness? Oh yeah, absolutely. I know that she's here for all the right reasons. She's not with me for the celebrity factors, she just wants to spend time around me, for me. I remember the first time I ever saw her. It was in Ionia, Michigan and there had been an absolutely torrential downpour that day. But instead of sheltering backstage, she was around the front splashing in the puddles and I remember thinking 'This really isn't your typical rock star girlfriend". No, she's certainly not and that's probably why it's just so great. It's also heartening when other people see that too. It just feels right and I guess I've never really had that. With some of my previous relationships, they never really felt right even from the beginning but I persevered with them. Maybe because my self-esteem was low or maybe I felt like that was my lot..... y'know like that was as good as it was gonna get. Whereas with this, it just blows everything else out of the water cos it's really..... normal. And really, it's my home life that my own personal foundation is based on and not necessarily the life within the band. So your home life now gives you the freedom to enjoy the band more? Exactly. I feel more comfortable in that situation. I don't feel like life is just about being in the band. But the irony is that because the band isn't the focus any more, it allows me the chance to enjoy being a member of Def Leppard much more. But it's funny that now I'm in such a happy situation, I look more objectively at my own past and see what others have seen for a long time and I'm just so glad I've been able to get to this point. So did you go out your way to find someone with the same name as your daughter in order to ensure you always get the names right? [laughs] You know, it's a pretty amazing coincidence that that's the way it went. But one of the great things was that we met through a friend of mine and it had absolutely nothing to do with the band. It wasn't meeting someone backstage or suchlike, which has kinda happened a few times for me. So it was a bit of a departure and maybe I saw her in a truer light and I'm sure that she saw me the same way. It wasn't tainted by being around celebrity or around the band so I feel fortunate that I was put in that situation where I was meeting her as a civilian (so to speak) and it's stood us in good stead. It's almost 20 years since the accident. Do you still get flashbacks or whatever? Is there any residual effect? I think there's always going to be. Sometimes it's a negative because I still have a memory of some of the things I could do.....when I still had two arms. It depends on my state of mind. You know if I'm a little bit down I think wouldn't it be great if..... But then other times I'm like, 'You know what, it's fine, it's absolutely fine the way it is'. Because in terms of my personal development and growth, I feel I've progressed so much. And more importantly, I wouldn't be the person I am today, I wouldn't be where I am now and I may not even have been here if it wasn't for the accident. Do you still wake up in cold sweats at the memory or have you left that behind? No, that's all passed. Still get phantom sensations? Can you still feel your arm or has that subsided too? On no, that still happens. You know, I've talked to a couple of people recently about that and we've realized that if that part of your brain developed, it constantly keeps on putting out the signals. Whereas there's people I know that were born without limbs so their brain never developed any sensations - therefore they don't feel any phantom pains or whatever. You know, even though you have a limb severed, the signals keep running down the nerves so I still get an itch on my elbow or whatever. So even now I still feel pain, but over the years, what I've tried to do, is perceive the sensation in a different way and so instead of it being a sharp crushing pain, it's more of a dull ache. Is that mind control? Partly. To a degree, I can use my mind to dull the pain. But I started using a really hard skin brush to try to desensitise the nerves so they weren't so open and that helped. That must be agony. When I first started doing it, yes it was, but I've persevered and now it's fine. Have you any way of summing up the two years from when you were in hospital and had the realization that there was the possibility that you could actually play drums again, to actually being onstage at the Monsters of Rock show for example, where the audience reaction was utterly overwhelming? I guess I was totally driven. I wanted to prove myself.....to my family, to the guys in the band and to my friends. All I could think about was trying to play drums again, almost to the exclusion of everything else.....and the 'everything else' was what I probably should have focused on. So the issues of the mental scarring were ignored? Totally ignored. Totally! I really did it arse backwards. But given your situation, and I suppose your age too, wasn't that the only obvious path you could have taken? I think at that time I obviously wasn't aware of what I really needed. But conversely, my wanting to prove something to everyone was beneficial 'cause if I hadn't done it then, maybe I'd never have done it. I may never have said 'You know what, now it's time to play the drums again'. But I had an overriding obsession and that was to get on and play. But unfortunately, in my unrelenting drive to get back on that drum stool, the major casualty in all of it was that I really forgot about me. I forgot to ask the question 'What do I need for me?' But surely having such a powerful goal helped your recovery and rehabilitation? Yes, of course that's true but you know, the irony of all that is that before the accident, I'd pretty much lost interest in playing drums. Why? Other things were more important. In fact, everything but playing drums was important to me. Like what? Chasing the sensation. Whether it was drugs or sex or whatever. Those things had become my main focus in life. So you were leading the hedonistic rock star life to the full and probably neglecting your evolution as a musician. Yeah, absolutely. 'Cause I felt I didn't have anything else to prove as a musician.....and boy was I wrong about that one. You know when Joe came up to me years after the fact and said 'Well, I think you're a better drummer now than you were back then,' it actually made me realize how much I had to learn before the accident. But you're young and famous and it all just basically went to my head. Had you just become arrogant? Before the accident, yeah I think so. I felt 'I don't need to do this'. But then again, it must have been hard being in a band when you were still a schoolboy and had to actually continue with your studies whilst in the band? It was a bit surreal yes, but it's funny you should say that because when we were in Edinburgh last week for the show, I popped along to my old school and flat in Haymarket Terrace. I dunno if you remember but the last days of my school studies were spent there because, as you know, the Scottish school year finishes much earlier than the English one, so in order to get me through school as quickly as possible, I spent my last days at school in Edinburgh. And I must admit it was great to see it again and reminisce about what I went through when I was there. Do you feel you missed out on some of your childhood? Absolutely I do. But then again, it was what I wanted to do. You know my parents were great in that situation. The school was saying 'Why don't you have him stay on at school, have him finish his studies and then he can go on a play the drums'. And my mother said 'I can't believe that you would have him do that when he's got a place to go, when he's got this amazing opportunity!' And you know, they were so incredibly strong for me.....and I really needed them to be at that time.....so even now, I'm still so grateful to them for supporting my dream the way they did. So when I was walking around Edinburgh last week, I remember thinking that it's been some journey for me from then to now. It's been quite a rollercoaster ride. I'll bet! You've certainly experienced more than most people will go through in their lives. Yeah, it's strange, I seem to get large doses of...... diversity, don't I? You inspired so many people with handicaps or seemingly unachievable goals. How does it feel to be in that position and has it ever been a bit of a monkey on your back? No, it hasn't ever felt like a monkey on my back. Before my accident I was a little too.....selfish and self-absorbed and for me, to now be at the place where I can kinda give back and inspire people.....I'm blessed. I'm really blessed. It's just really special, especially when I see people who are in a much worse situation than me and they're looking up to me - and at the same time I'm looking up to them. So you never get blasé or complacent about that? No, not any more. I can't ever get like that 'cause there's no room for thinking like that. My situation should have been a lot worse. By rights I shouldn't have survived the crash. And every day.....every time someone looks at me for inspiration.....everytime someone says someone says 'Man, you know, I really didn't think I could do whatever until I saw you doing it', that means I'll never get complacent or blasé about my position. Eileen Pierce, the district nurse who took care of me at the scene of the accident, she literally saved my life. In fact, she came over to our wedding in California and for me to see her there, and to know how much support and encouragement she's given me and Lauren with our decision to get married..... [seems deep in thought] Ah, it was just amazing. You know she came up to me and said, "C'mon, let's go dance," and we were on the dancefloor and she looked into my eyes and said, "You know, I'm your other mother," and we were both in tears and everything. It's just one of these 'wow' situations where you realize that someone, whom fate threw you together under the most traumatic of circumstances, just cares about you so deeply. How many people get the chance to say thank you to the person who saved our life? Not many. But even after almost 20 years, to be able to say to that person at our wedding "Thank you, for enabling me to be with the woman I love," is something utterly magical. What was it like to reach your goal and just be the drummer from DL again? It was strange, and you're gonna laugh, but when I actually got to the point where I was just the drummer from Def Leppard (and not the one armed drummer from Def Leppard), the one thing I was most afraid of was having to stand up in front of people and tell them what I've been through, just in the same way that I'm explaining to you. I feel so incredibly vulnerable and exposed when I have to talk into a microphone and bare my soul so to speak. I guess that's why even to this day, I'm still so impressed with the way Joe can hold an audience like that and project such charisma to them. It takes an exceptional person to be able to do that. But as I grow with Raven Drum and I'm exposed to more and more people who are in such diverse situations, be it mental or physical, I realize that it's something that I don't have a choice about and I have to share my feelings, from behind a microphone. So I say "This is what I went through and maybe I can help you with a difficult time". But once you had reached that point, wasn't there then the opportunity for all the baggage to catch up with you and for the mental scars to come to the fore? Absolutely. I think that was part of my life's lessons. You know, it really wouldn't have been difficult to have gone the same way as Steve Clark at certain periods after my accident. Not necessarily in the same way as Steve did, because I always had the sense of 'Whoa, I'm going too far'. I'm either drinking too much or doing too much or this that and the other. But I think that was inevitable because I felt like I didn't necessarily belong. I found it difficult to talk to any of the band about what I was going through, because I felt like they couldn't really understand. I found it difficult to talk to my mother because she had gone through the whole thing with me and although she was an absolute rock and was really there for me at all times, I think it was probably more painful for my parents than it was for me, in a strange way. So I found it difficult to talk to them, and unfortunately, I found the only way out was to medicate myself. Define medicate? Booze, drugs, prescription medication, whatever really. Anything to forget.....anything to try and cover that memory. So was your 'going off the rails' your only way to try to blank out the terrifying memories that were there? Yes, because I didn't have the tools, I'd never been shown how to deal with a situation that was that intense. I'd never sat down with anyone to talk about what I was REALLY going through and I found it difficult to find anybody that could really understand what I was going through....until Steve died. And then, all of a sudden, it became really clear to everybody where they could help me. So it was a wake up call for all those around you. They could see you were potentially going down that route too. I think it was a wake up call for everybody. Yeah, they could see that I had a weakness and a tendency to overindulge. And I think it was only then that the guys, especially Joe, really stepped up to the plate and they all began to talk to me about it and I think that it became easier for everybody then. Because the reality was that we'd just lost somebody that was so close. One day he was there and the next he was gone forever. And even now it's tough. I mean, we all had a great relationship with Steve. We loved the guy, but he obviously had a huge problem. And just in the same way Steve couldn't talk to us about his problems because he was too close to us, basically I had a similar problem. I couldn't communicate. So was the communication thing that made you turn to the knockout pills? Did you retreat into yourself? It was a kinda isolation, yeah. I wanted to be as far away from everybody as I could be. I found it difficult to be close to anybody, not just the guys in the band. But I think that when Steve died, it forced all of us to reconsider our inter-band communication skills. Also we had to consider our own mortality so the fact that we, especially me, could actually sit down and talk about what we were going through, really made it easier to move forward. What sort of person do you think you were in those days? Introverted, aloof or just a complete arsehole? Everything. All of it. I had the potential to be really nice, to be really fuckin' horrible, introverted, extroverted, you name it. But there was no consistency. Whereas now I can still be all of those things but not necessarily as extreme. I can kinda put the brakes on and go "You know what, I really need to be alone for a while," and not take any of my shit out on anyone else. So you haven't changed that dramatically, you just have more control over it now. I think so, yeah. What about when you assaulted your wife at Los Angeles International Airport and you were arrested and thrown in jail. Was that an all-time low and was there a significant re-evaluation of your life or your ways? Absolutely. That was a huge wake up call. That I could turn on someone that dramatically was a huge shock to me. And I think that after that point, it became obvious that I needed more help than what I could get from the band, so I went into therapy and started talking to an outside party about it, and even the realization that there were actually professionals who could help me, was a bit of a revelation. But I think that the most important thing was to really stop drinking. So was the blame of that incident mostly on alcohol, or was it your state of mind or the state of your relationship? I think all of those things, but certainly the booze really brought out the really unreasonable side of me, and I just didn't want to revisit that place again. I assume you re-assessed a lot of things in your life, including your relationship with your (then) wife. I think I knew right there it was time to move on, but I think that like a lot of us, we tend to stay in situations that are familiar, whether they're good or bad. And I stayed in it at that time and agreed to try to work at it, 'cause it was hard to break that cycle, even though I knew I had reached the point of no return with that relationship. What about it being in the press? That was more embarrassing than anything else. Because I had the potential to be so much better than that. But it just so happens that when you're in the public eye, everything gets reported. To a lot of people, a snapshot in time can define who you are, what you are and what you're about. And that, unfortunately, sticks in people's minds. You see it every day in the press, especially over here in the UK, and it's usually just someone's weak point in their lives that gets documented and like I say, it sticks. So even though you've done so much good for peoples lives, 'the one armed drummer for Def Leppard who beat up his wife' is still how some people perceive you. To a certain degree yes, but I believe in change and being able to move forward. Certainly for a long time after that incident, that definition stuck with me, but now I feel like I was a different person then and I'm certainly a very different person now. I read the Michael J. Fox autobiography recently, where he talks about having Parkinson's for the last 10 years. He says that if he had the chance to magically change his situation by being able to trade in the past 10 years as the person he was then, he wouldn't even consider it. He'd rather have lived through the Parkinson's and become the person he is now. Is there any part of you that's in the same boat? Yeah, very much so. I look at the accident as an opportunity to change. For better or worse, I had that choice. And at times, I went both ways but I think as time goes on, I've chosen to be a better person. It doesn't always work out the way you plan it. I've still got that potential to lapse back into the person I didn't like but it's very rare now. But would you trade? Getting a left arm, but not be the person you are now? No, I'm fine the way I am. Really. I know exactly why it happened. What do you mean? Greater powers? Yeah, to an extent.....it's just a feeling I get. I know most of the reasons why and I don't question it any more. I remember being in the minivan with you last November in Japan, and the disappointing sales figures for "X" were being discussed. Even then there was the hope that a hit single or two would give it the impetus to take off. However, that just didn't materialise. How has the way this record been received affected you personally? I'm obviously disappointed. But I see more clearly the situation that a band like Def Leppard is in. I think the record company views it that we stil have albums left to make for them and they'd rather keep picking up that option 'cause they know that with a band like Def Leppard, they've always got the back catalogue. So it's not necessary for them to spend new money promoting an old band. They're always going to make their money, but I do think they find it difficult to know what to do with us. So they did nothing! Well there is that, yeah. But they don't need to. Allied to the fact that we don't necessarily have any friends at the record company these days. I mean, all the people that were around when we first signed are just not there any more. And it would be nice if we could just kinda kiss and hug and say 'It's been really good knowing you guys' but I can't see that happening. It's at the stage that they either shit or get off the pot; either do what you do best and that's promote our record, or let us go. But is that an option or do you have to complete another two records or so? I think that's always their option. Maybe they're afraid to let go of us because they think we will have a hit eventually, or maybe it's just that they don't have to. So you have no say in it? No. Is there any bitterness? Again, I was there in the studio when you were recording and there was such a buzz at the time as you were all so incredibly enthusiastic about it. Absolutely. It was great and it still is. It was something so exciting at the time and I think there's still is something very special about that record. But I don't think they saw it or they didn't hear it and it seems to me that record companies are made up of accountants and lawyers and they don't have a pair of ears these days. And if they don't see a cash cow at the end of it, they don't necessarily see the point.....or no one wants to make a mistake that will cost money, so all they do is sit on the fence, gauge reaction and then react if there's a bit of a buzz. Which, for me, is a crap way to do business from our point of view, but a great way to do business from their point of view, 'cause they don't lose. They let it meander out there and see what it will do instead of actively trying to make or break the record. What about if they were right and you were wrong? That you and the band saw it as being such a great album but the record company just went, "No, this isn't good enough". Even your hard core fans were certainly in strong disagreement about it when it was released. Hey, everyone is entitled to their opinions and I don't claim to be more knowledgeable than they are. They could be completely right. With their knowledge of the market place and the record buying public, they could be completely right. But it would have been nice if they had at least given it a chance. Is there still the desire to have a huge selling record? I think once you've experienced the kinda highs we've had with success, there's going to always be the desire to do that again. It's almost addictive. It's like in any job; if you're reached a position or level, it's very difficult to take a step back. And we're no different. But you're still touring to sell-out crowds, albeit, smaller sell-out crowds. Does it still feel like a step back? The quality is still good. I mean, the people that like the band, really like the band. And I love that. I love the fact that people are really with us and behind us. It would just be great if there were just more of them. So what about the future of Def Leppard recordings, DVD's etc. Well, we just recorded hours and hours of audio in America. Over 800 gigabytes of recording and we also did some filming, which was great. Some candid stuff and some onstage. I convinced the guys that if we didn't document this, a few months after the tour we'd be kicking ourselves. With Kenji doing the lights and Ronan doing the sound and us being absolutely on fire, I just think it would have been a shame to have not made the effort to film it. It's stuff that someone that's into the band would love to see. It's all great quality and good footage. Presumably at the end of this tour, there's going to be a substantial break, time off to write and whatever. Not really. We're planning on putting together the record we've been working on. The idea is to have a new record before the summer of 2004, and then do a tour to promote that album. Nothing has been concretely decided, but hopefully get to do some of the European festivals that we've never done before and then spend the rest of the summer doing a short tour in the US. And then after that, we'll have to get busy with a new Def Leppard record, a proper Def Leppard studio record. You're heavily involved with the Raven Drum Foundation charity. Why? It goes back to what we were saying before about giving something back. It gives me the opportunity to have a voice and be able to inspire people more directly, be around them and see them face-to-face and actually work with them. And I can also try out some of the new things I've learned since I met Lauren. Some of the new philosophies..... Well, ancient ones but they're new to me. And the power of intention. Just the same way I'd say a prayer before going onstage, taking that even further and using the drum to inspire people. And using that as a vehicle for the intention. Is it Eastern philosophy you're following? African, Indian, Native Indian, many different philosophies. So it's not specific religion, it's more in tune with Mother Earth? Exactly! It's earth-based philosophies. Things that are constant like the earth itself, things that have been here and have seen more that we can possibly imagine in our short history and the power of wonderment, not necessarily asking the question. There's so much that has been before the human race, and just contemplating that and then the earliest forms of communication, hand claps, body slaps and then ultimately the drum, which was really the first way that man could imitate the first sound they heard: their mothers heartbeat. That's where it all came from. The earliest sounds that we made we really the beginnings of communication.....and then dance and ritual What are the benefits for the people who take part in it? People feel better. Better about themselves and they feel empowered by the power of intention. So what happens? A series of progressive rhythms. Inviting in the ancestors is the first rhythm that we play and the second rhythm is something more along the lines of getting rid of things that don't serve us any more, whether that be negative emotions or thoughts. The third rhythm is bringing in things that do serve us, more positive thoughts and beliefs. Then ultimately, the fourth rhythm would be like a celebration of life. And to go through that with so many people in a circle is a very moving experience. And the bigger the circle, the more powerful I feel the experience actually is. Does it actually work for most, or are many of the attendees just wanting the chance to meet a member of De Leppard? I think there are probably a lot of people who come along with that intention, but when they leave, they were probably there for more than to meet me. I think that on many levels, they were there to meet themselves. Does it feel odd that people are effectively paying to meet you on this tour? No, not really. Ultimately what I think happens is that they go along to the website and I think that's the first step in finding something that resonates within them and something they like. I honestly don't think people would necessarily be coming along to just meet me and spending all that money on aftershow passes if they weren't curious about some of the things they've seen on the Raven Drum website. What are you going to do with yourself when the tour's over? Time off!!!!! Ooh.....! Is it too surreal to contemplate? [laughs] Actually we're going to be doing a lot of things. Lauren and I want to drive more - explore more of California and go camping in some of the more remote spots. It's kinda difficult to explore California these days given there's not much of it left! Oh there's still so much unspoilt parts of California. Huge state parks and protected lands and places that we can enjoy touching base with nature and yourself. And really what we'd like to do is go to Hawaii.....and never leave. You know, just thinking about it, Lauren and I have only been on holiday once or twice since we actually met. So I guess it's now time for holidaying.....and I guess honeymooning as well. Yeah, it's important. We did get a bit of a honeymoon. The wedding was on the 10th of October and we flew to Scotland on the 13th, then went up to St Andrews, which is really beautiful. And so we really enjoyed that, but it was just a bit of a tease, it wasn't a real honeymoon. And I think that we deserve that 'cause we've been so busy over the last few months with the Def Leppard tour and Raven Drum. We've done so much in such a short time, it's time to take some time to just be a couple....ha, to just be a married couple. Now that would be nice. Copyright 1999-2006 Def Leppard & DefLeppard.com