Rock Opera of Ages (Old satirical article from 2004)

These new "rock musicals" are only coming through on the second part of the name. You can attribute part of the artistic debacle that is Movin' Out to the sociological tension between theater and rock & roll, but perhaps the lion's share of the blame lies in the fateful decision to use lame-ass Billy Joel songs. We can think of a few pop-music icons far more appropriate for gallingly overblown schlock Broadway productions (and the newly announced Brian Wilson musical doesn't hold out much hope either).

Ladies and gentlemen, behold the glory that is Pyromania!, the official Def Leppard musical. This explosive, heartrending, action-packed whirlwind promises to make Cats look like A Streetcar Named Desire in terms of sheer sensory overload. It has everything you could ever ask for in a musical: fire, senseless violence, wanton groupie shenanigans, fire, depraved lust, bitchin' drum solos, hideous car wrecks, alcohol-fueled dementia, fire and, most importantly, severed limbs.

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